Confronting My Mediocrity
In my mind’s eye, I am a clever, creative writer with potential abound. When I sit to write, I see I’m unclear, unfocused, and unoriginal.
It’s painful to be presented with information that refutes my idealized self-concept. When I have the time to write, I find other things to do (mainly, scrolling mindlessly on my phone) because it’s more comfortable than trying to execute on an idea and observing myself create something empty or weak. I procrastinate on writing because I am afraid of confronting my mediocrity.
There's the usual self-talk around everyone having an opportunity to improve, and how I won't grow unless I get into the arena and work at this intentionally, and that I'm probably better at this than my hyper-critical self-monitor believes. Yeah yeah. I know. But this still mostly sucks.
It probably sucks less than dying with all of me still inside of me though, rather than all of me out in the hearts and minds of people all over the world. So I guess I'll choose this suck.