Today's Cloudiness
I stay clenched and fixated on a distant future where I feel the way I wish to feel and think the way I wish to think. The current moment feels worthless aside from being the place from which I must start. There is no glamour in today's cloudiness.
I don't want that to be that way though. I don't want to spend my life wishing I was in another reality; one in which I'm more talented and ambitious and active and swollen with gusto to create a beautiful life. I want that life to be the one I wake up in, each day. A barrier to that is probably my fear. To create that reality, I need to do new things, live in new ways, have tricky conversations. I need be myself and then improve myself and then I need to be myself again.
That's a hard line to toe. How to feel creatively confident enough to put yourself out there and create unabashedly, while simultaneously spending all your time studying and developing and learning and growing? My dream life doesn't have me as an academic but as a creator. It has me creating out loud. In front of your face. It has you knowing who I am and what I stand for.
I trust my mind to be a strong remixer. I can take inspiration from multiple sources and string it together attractively. For that, I need to regularly expose myself to interesting thinkers and their work. I can't create in a vacuum. But to do the work, I need to be alone and block out other voices. I want to be inspired and be myself at the same time. The paralysis from this tension makes me angry. I've wasted so much time.
I'm likely too much in my head and not enough in my head in a productive, helpful way. A productive, helpful way is doing this, and then also attempting to write the kind of work I keep talking about. Not to overthink it or underthink it, just appropriately think it and then move on.
And with that, I move on.
Outwardly, Vandan